City of Blinding Lights

Well, I'm back from Chicago...and what a trip.
No pics to download for now, as I seem to have left my camera at Denise's. But honestly, the pictures I took wouldn't even do the 36 hour excursion any true justice. It was quite a whirlwind of fun, debauchery (of course), bonding, hilaroius moments, finished off with a truly restorative coffee/lunch with my bestest, most lovely friend in the world, Gaby.
So much of what I was thinking about on my drive home last night was introspective and somewhat melancholy. But also really good. It's hard not to be reflective when you find yourself submerged back in a scene--especially with your closest friend--that so defined who you were for so long, yet doesn't speak to the person you are much at all anymore.
Probably not making sense.
At any rate...it was fun being back in the city.

Driving there was part of the thrill, honestly. Alone in the car with my coffee and Saturday NPR shows. And then, of course, being able to listen to XRT once I got close to Chicago.
The bachelorette party was as fun as I imagined it would be...and more. And best of all, Denise truly seemed to be having the time of her life.
Mission accomplished.
I couldn't have asked for it to have turned out better...her friends were all friendly and fun, the place looked amazing once all the decorations, favors, games and prizes were set out...seriously, I should do this for a living. I'm just saying.
Anyway, we had a blast and were laughing about many aspects of the evening the next morning.
Can't believe the wedding's in less than two weeks...
Just overall feeling so much more affection for and closeness with my SIL through this whole process, and for that I am beyond grateful.

Sunday I had the best lunch I've had in years...and not for the food, but rather the company. My best friend Gaby and I went to a cute little neighborhood restaurant in Ravenswood and caught up over lunch, coffee, more coffee...and more conversation. Whenever we get together, the topics range from the intensely personal, to the political, to the philosophical...sometimes even spiritual...and then basically just back to the personal stuff. I've never had small talk with Gaby, and likely never will.
For this, I love her...but even more, I adore her for being such an incredible person and friend. She knows me better than anyone I can think of...and at the risk of sounding scandalous, I dare say she knows me--in some ways--better than my own husband.
I suppose that's just a female thing.
With Gaby there is no pretense...no competition...no bullshit, either. She's not afraid to tell me what she thinks about my own decisions or thoughts...and yet never holds back, either, from expressing admiration or praise.
I guess I just find this so uncommon in people in general. Unabashedness and a sense of genuine appreciation for others. And holy cow, I don't know anyone stronger than she.

Anyway, I guess this is just my tribute to Gaby post.
Love the bitch.
And the best part is, she knows it.
It would be sad if this was the only place I expressed those thoughts...the most beautiful part of our friendship is how acutely aware we both are of how precious and rare it is.

I was ridiculously tired leaving the city late yesterday afternoon...despite the coffee and good conversation. Food coma, hangover from the night before...and general fatigue from finally having this bachelorette party behind me...and it was starting to rain.
So I had to really jam out to some CDs on the way home to keep my shit in check.

On the way into the city the day before, it had been sunny, blue skies...and I was full of energy and optimism. Driving north on Western I had been feeling such intense feelings of nostalgia and sentimentality...flooded like CRAZY with memories of my life there, most specifically with Brian. All the parts of my life that seemed a bit askew and without true direction until I met him. I thought about how much we loved our old apartment on Walton, our neighborhood...coffee and paninis at Letizia's on Sundays. The Tribune..."Check, Please" on PBS Sunday nights...and all of our little traditions.
And I also thought about how isolating Chicago was for me for so long...how much of a mixture of lonliness and total confidence I felt at the same time. How much I wanted to make it work...and how well it did for a period of time in my life.
How many months, years even, that I rode public transportation and nothing else.
Now that's something all on its own.
How I lived in a third floor walkup in a neighborhood that bordered the Puerto Rican gang territory...and sometimes even forgot to lock my back door to the stairwell.
But today, when Brian travels, I check the locks three times...in my idyllic EGR neighborhood.

I got to thinking about how we change from our twenties to our thirties.
How I've become, in many ways, less brave and feel distinctly less invincible.
How less-exciting my life is on the outside...but how unbelievably rich it is in contrast.

I'm much more cautious and discerning about my environment, my surroudings, etc...but my heart has gotten so much stronger...and I swear I've never been more confident about where I am, who I'm sharing my life with...and the direction in which my life is taking me.

So as I drove in the express lanes on the skyway out of downtown yesterday, I realized that I was far more anxious to get home in that moment than I had been "sad" the day before driving into old memories and places of nostalgia.

Amazing how it took living there and then moving away from it all to realize how strong I really am...and happy.
And my relationships...with Denise, with my family...Brian's family...and of course, with Gaby...have never felt better.

Anyway.

I remember being downtown in Grant Park in the summertime one night, with a friend of my brother Jon's that I'd known when I was in Seattle...and we were watching the fireworks to the live XRT show that they broadcast each Saturday night in the summer.
He had asked me how I was liking the city, as it had been about 6 months since I'd moved...and I just laid back in the grass, looked up at the skyline...and smiled. Almost cried, even, out of happiness. Cliche as hell, but if you know me at all--you're not surprised.
Anyway, my response was...
"I love this city...always have. Not sure how long I'll be here...but I know right now I'm having the most incredible love affair with it..."

Driving off of the Dan Ryan onto the skyway, one of my favorite songs from my ipod came on the stereo..."City of Blinding Lights". I turned it waaay up.
Somehow it felt perfect.

I really love that song.