When it comes to being truly content--as a mom or otherwise--I don't believe there's any room for wanting, wishing or even hoping for more. You just spend every day in awe of how fortunate you are, and do your best to live out that sense of gratitude for what you've been given.
I remember wondering how life could get any better in Benjamin's first year of life...how my heart could grow enough to make room for another child, or how I'd even be able to love another child the way I did my first. But of course the arrival of Jonny proved--in an instant--that there's always more. Of everything.
And I also remember, some two or three years after Jonny was born, feeling SO unbelievably happy and content as a mom of my two boys...in so many ways I felt that having boys was absolutely the fullest expression of who I was as a mom. That I was becoming good at it, and for certain--I was lucky. I guess that's just what you do, as a mom. As a parent. You take what's given and don't wonder what could have been, what that child could have become...you just feel grateful for who they are and marvel at how they change your life. And you spend every day doing your best not to mess them up.
But I also remember, deep down, knowing that I had room for one more...that Brian and I probably had no business stretching our house, budget or even sanity any further than we had...but that if we could be lucky enough to make it happen, it would be right. For all of us.
And so it went. Without much logical planning or thinking on our parts--along came pregnancy #3. Totally without warning or real forethought...but rather an absolute and undeniable measure of perfection. The timing was right, even though we didn't know that immediately.
But of course one question seemed to dominate those first weeks (and months) of my pregnancy: "Are you going to find out???"
And I just kept thinking to myself..."what? WHAT am I going to find out??" What piece of news about this baby could in any way make a difference in how I prepared my home--and heart--for its arrival...there was definitely no way I was gonna run out and paint the nursery pink just because I learned I was having a girl...and for SURE I wasn't about to endure the "ohhh, wow...another boy!" comments from friends and strangers. Because let's be honest, the only thing worse than the ridiculous urgency others feel for all news relating to your belly is the sense of expectation and relative certainty that others feel for what your family dynamic needs.
But deep down--in a place that no one knew existed, and to this day I don't believe anyone really does--I was content. Happy with either outcome...and waiting for--if anything--just to have the chapter closed, to have the third child. Certainly I became stir crazy at times and just wanted to KNOW already, but something in me told me to wait. For the right time.
For her arrival.
Needless to say, the moment Francie came into the world was many things: miraculous, full of joy, shocking, game-changing...and above all else, totally and completely peaceful. Full of grace.
And looking back now, I realize how right I was to wait for that moment. To let that kind of news sink in alongside the bleary-eyed and euphoric early moments of life with a newborn. It all made sense. SHE made total and complete sense from the very first moment she was here. It was the same way I felt rocking Benjamin to sleep in his first few weeks--that all along I'd known it would be him.
And intuitively, without question, I knew...I knew...it was her.
Frances Grace.
I guess that's one of the most beautiful things I've learned as a mom--how little control I truly have, if any, and that the best thing to do is just wait for what God has in store. Sure I can dream, plan and anticipate...but only in limited ways. If there is ever a part of me that hoped for a girl--and surely there was--it was always balanced with a real sense of humility. Absolute and all-out surrender to the randomness of life, of pure chance, of reproductive odds.:)
And now here I sit, one year later, marvelling at this absolute miracle that is my sweet, precious, baby girl. The ways she has changed the life of my family are endless, and run the spectrum from the color of our laundry to the way Brian smiles. The pride and total joy that her older brothers feel toward her manifests in new ways every day. Life with 3 has proved to be a place we all knew, on some level, we needed.
As for me, there are far too many ways in which my life has changed than I can describe. No real way to put it to words...even for me.
All I know was that there was a time, not long ago, that I thought I understood how truly beautiful and full my life could be.
But I had no...no idea.
Frances Grace, your many different smiles fill my every day with absolute joy and total awe. Our entire family has changed in ways never imagined. You are a light, no doubt...and I am grateful each day for the grace by which you came.
I love you, sweet baby girl.
Happy Birthday.
