Benjamin Davis

My alarm went off, and the song playing on the radio that morning was "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion. Cheesey? Oh yes...but amazing how perfectly it fit that very day. It had been a week since the 6wk ultrasound, when the sonogram tech and the OB had said they were hoping, at that point, for a higher heart rate, and to prepare myself for a possible miscarriage. When my eyes welled up and I asked, in desperation, "could the low number just be normal?"...the OB (who I grew to avoid in that office during my entire preganancy) smiled patronizingly and said "Well, let's just say I'd like to see it higher, honey...we'll see you in a week, k?"

Anyway, the days in between that visit and the next were easily my most anxious of my entire life. We'd tried for almost two years to get pregnant...and there I was, finally with a positive pee stick in the house. 4 of them, actually. Just couldn't seem to tire of looking at that second line.
Something happened, though, over the weekend right before I had the follow-up appt...I felt unusually calm about it, even positive that things would be alright. The neurotic and "the sky is falling!!!" part of me wanted to just prepare myself for the worst, but somehow I felt different. And that morning, when my alarm went off for the 8am sonogram appt...I heard cheesey Celine belting out the following lyrics:
"..I was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come
everyone told me to be strong, hold on...and don't shed a tear
through the darkness and good times, I knew I'd make it through
and the world thought I had it all, but I was...waiting for you.

Hush...now...I see a light in the sky...
it's almost blinding me,
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel of love..."

Even as I type those lyrics I feel it's so cliche and ridiculous to be quoting Ms. Dion...but honestly, as I lay in bed that morning my eyes filled with tears at how perfect it was.
And sure enough, Brian and I went to the ultrasound, only to see little B's heart tick-ticking away at a rapid, healthy rate. It was incredible.

And would you know...nine months later, the very OB (there are twelve in that practice) that was so sour and condescending at that first visit...whom I avoided like the plague my entire pregnancy...was the one on call when B was born. And she kicked ass. Made me work harder than I knew I was going to have to...and truly kept my head in the game when things got crazy.

Anyway, I've been particularly close with Benjamin lately. It just happens sometimes with kids, I think...you go through cycles where they're a bit more "in love" with you than they are other times. It's been heaven, though. He truly is such an amazing individual...
And it takes a patient, special heart to truly get him some days...he's not as gregarious and aggressive as other boys his age, but when you make him comfy around you, he's the most hysteterical two year old you've met. And he's completely confident in his sense of humor...it's funny. He also has such a pure, unending well of sensitivity and affection right at the surface. I'm amazed at how much he studies other people's faces--their emotions, their reactions, etc. Nothing is lost on him...and everything affects him. He's like a human barometer of emotion.

Brian and I were in an argument last week (this happens from time to time...don't tell anyone) and Benjamin started crying. We were just talking, though admittedly in firm voices, in the kitchen...and when B walked in I immediately smiled and said "hey, Bud!"...and he nervously came to my side and took my hand into the tv room. We did a puzzle quietly...and after about a minute or two, he looked up at me and said:
"Mommy, you angry?"
"Nooo...Bud...not at you. Sometimes I just get frustrated with Daddy, and he gets frustrated wit me. But it's ok, and we love each other very much."
I felt like I was reading a teleprompter from an after-school special script. Especially because he looked completely unconvinved. But he didn't mention it again.

Until tonight. Brian and I were hugging and smooching a bit in the kitchen (ok, this happens from time to time, as well)...and Benjamin walked in and started jumping up and down and laughing...and shouted:
"Hahahaha!!! Mommy and Daddy! They love eachother again!"

I kid you not.
A week later, and that's the exact phrase that came out of this child's mouth.
Killed me.

Anyway...just feeling sentimental about my boy lately...how much of an inspiration he is to me, how much he has taught me about myself...and how much strength and confidence he's given me just by making me a mom.

I love you, sweet boy.