A Referendum on Relationships

If only I were gay... I'd have married my best friend Gaby years ago.

Ok, so this is a bit of an odd way to begin a post...but the idea came to me--well, to both of us--over a recent phone conversation. And before I go on, I must thank you, Gabs--if you're reading--for one of the best chats I've had in a long time...and I don't need to explain why. My gratitude for you and the kind of friend you've been to me since the day we met is unending...thanks for being who you are.
And since I know certain dudes are wondering (Christopher? Shawn?)---the answer is No. I'm not about to make out with Gaby. Not at all. Though I dare say her hugs are far and away superior to those of my husband's. But anyway...

It's impossible for most men to understand the closeness of a girlfriend...but what I think they truly underestimate, is just how necessary that friendship is to our survival. We--and I speak for anyone who may agree here--love you, dear husbands...but there are just certain things you'll never be able to appreciate.

For example, the need to be noticed. Appreciated. It's not that my husband is necessarily bad at these things...it's just that certain close friends of mine, and family members, are far better at it. A friend who writes a thank you note for a gathering at your house...a sister-in-law who goes out of her way to always write back (almost always within minutes, I swear) with "comments" after you send out pictures...a friend who always notices your ass in your jeans and isn't afraid to say so (LOL)...a mom who swoops in and takes one of your kids for the afternoon without even asking, knowing full-well how close you were to the edge of insanity that particular day...or a brother (getting special mention in a list of chicks, here) who doesn't hold back the "proud of you" statements after you've poured your heart and soul into something.
I guess we all just want to be seen by others, don't we?
And let me clarify: by this I don't mean seen in a way that makes us the center of attention, or that praises us unneccessarily for something we've done...or that enables a sense of neediness or insecurity on our part.
What I mean is the feeling that somebody gets you. That they understand your intentions, simply because they have taken the time to get who you are. That they grant you the benefit of the doubt in any situation, based on the context of knowing where your heart is. That they absorb the meaningful things you say to them...the gestures you make...and remember them, even when they're unsure of where you're coming from sometimes.
That they are listening...aware...engaged.

I say this, because, I've been adrift lately.
Lost, even.
And some days, drowning in my own self-induced chaos. Struggling (physically and emotionally) to somehow prioritize the things, and more importantly, people that need my attention...when my kids seem to drain every last ouce of energy and focus I have each day.
But I haven't stopped being aware of who the important people are in my life. If anything, I've become more acutely aware of their presence...in new and eye-opening ways...and in other ways, aware of the places where I falsely imagined real, true understanding.
I wonder if anyone else ever goes through this...?
It's almost as though the person you perceive to have let you down isn't even at fault. You are. I think we've all experienced this, whether it be with old college friends, members of our extended family, our friends of "life circumstance", etc....once in a while you realize you've given someone too much credit for really understanding you...while in other cases, you realize that someone you never imagined got you, really does.

I worry a lot. Way too much, in fact.
Lately, I've been operating under this dark cloud of guilt for not being in touch with the people I love the most. I want to talk to my brother Jon so much more than I seem to have time for...and I worry that he isn't equipped to understand the complexities of my daily life--or rather, LACK of time. But then I wind up feeling like a total jackass for doubting his inability to get the place I'm in. Because even though he hasn't a clue what it's like to walk in my shoes...he continually and unselfishly grants me the benefit of the doubt.
Same with Gaby. She is the other person I've been aching to be in better touch with...and yet not once has she been impatient with me or jumped to irrational conclusions as to where my priorities are.
And this list isn't limited to my brother and my best friend...I am beyond grateful for so many people in my life, particularly when I realize just how much they're willing to forgive in return for my own shortcomings. A good friend who gives me the chance to share just how busy and crazed I've been with my kids, and only offers more support and friendship in return (love you, D.W.)...a cousin who insists on finding consensus on our political opinions in a compassionate way...a brother who, after I leave an apologetic message about being unavailable on his voicemail, leaves me a message with nothing but Coming to America movie quotes and makes me piss myself while driving...or a husband, who just quietly listens while I bawl and rant away, and never...not even for a second...loses composure. He just listens.

These people...all of them...they get you.
And if they don't, they want to and are trying.

Ughh. Not really sure where I'm going with this.

I just know that relationships in general have been on my mind a lot lately...my own ability (or lack thereof) to maintain them the way I'd like, as well as the overall health of my expectations.
I suppose it's all begun with my own increased awareness of self and how I relate to others.
Yoga maybe? I know a lot of it comes from my practice and meditation during class, for sure. It's the only time I am truly afforded the opportunity to go deep and reflect...and analyze. I suppose that's why I've been having revelations left and right lately. A kind of "teasing out" of priorities, intentions, expectations, etc.

That's where I feel like I am lately.
Nothing earth shattering or on the level of epiphany...but just a slow whittling away of the stuff that isn't real or authentic at all, but rather a product of my own "projection". I've been bad about this as long as I can remember...placing too much stock in someone or something...and being devastated when things aren't as I once imagined them to be.
Perhaps I'm just in a nesting phase. And no, I'm not pregnant. Maybe it should be called cleaning house...emotional catharsis...or even more simply, and most accurately in my case, an allout breakdown. And not the lying face-down on the kitchen floor, drool coming out of the corner of my mouth kind...actually, the image is much more uplifting. It's the kind of emotional fallout that leads one to introspection, re-aligning of priorities and relationships, and an overall sense of inner wellness and renewal.

I know, I know...cue the sanskrit chanting CDs and dim the lights...
But I rather imagine it's a phase we all go through from time to time.

So, for what it's worth.
That's where I am right now.

For weeks I've struggled with how to keep up better with so many things...and this blog is one of them. And so while my catharsis might not be very articulate or at all decipherable...it's finally out there. Outside of my head, written down.
The best and most time-tested way I know to work through shit.