Had a great dinner out with a friend tonight...great food, good drinks (they are possible without booze, who knew?)...but of course, even better conversation. It was during this very lily-pad-style (a Meg-ism to be explained another time) chat that the following phrase was used: "10, 20 years from now...what will be most important to me? what choice will I be happiest with?"
And it was in that moment that I finally turned the corner this week from being frustrated, grumpy, sad, lonely...and just overall pissed off (God I love how much more honest I can be on my blog that on fucking facebook) at the state of my single-mommy-hood.
I'm not even going to get into that topic right now...it's too personal and far too nuanced and complicated to put out there right now--but suffice it to say, I needed a good night out with a friend. Also didn't suck that I heard one of my favorite songs in the car tonight while driving to meet my friend for dinner--Forever Young by Rod Stewart. Cheeseball? Oh yeah...totally. But if you haven't heard it for a while, I suggest listening to it super freakin loud in your car. And if you have kids, well, good luck not getting something out of it.
Anyway.
So fast-forward to my sitting down at the computer tonight, exhausted and ready to just quick check email and facebook and go to bed...yet finding myself writing the most ridiculously long list of things I'm grateful for and happy about in my status update. Now, for one, no one needs to be that damn smug and happy on their FB page...but also? I had too much to say, so here I am.
And if I didn't think it was so damn important to write down (for my own posterity), I wouldn't even bother. After all, my lack of blogging the past several months has had nothing to do with life being boring or without moments of interest---it has, rather, had everything to do with my lack of committment to anything that takes more than 5 minutes of my time.
Pathetic.
So, here's my list (because I do love a list). Moments of meaning, bullet-pointed tales of adorableness, random shit...you get the idea--basically just the many things (and only in the last week) that help me to better answer those afore-mentioned questions discussed with my friend. The stuff of my convinctions. Here are a few:
*Benjamin taking Jonny's hand to walk him to the front of church last Sunday morning...a routine moment in the church service, when the kids are excused to church school...but also a moment, until this past Sunday, that has REQUIRED my accompanying Jonathan to the front steps. And yet this time, he just went with his brother. I will never, ever, ever forget the image of the two of them walking down the aisle away from me...Jonathan squeezing "Benny's" hand...or the way they looked standing next to one another, still holding hands (with super serious expressions) while they recited their response to the congregation.
*the always ubrupt noise of their voices in the morning--but how precious and adorable it is at the same time, as they chatter from their bunk beds and discuss their plans for the day--or, in their case, the next ten minutes. I cannot put into words how extra adorable they have become with these bunk beds--better sleepers, better friends...better brothers.
*Benjamin, upon realizing this morning that we had to "take Mr. Hoppy back to preschool", crumbling into a million, sad little pieces. Not grumpy, stubborn, I'm-not-getting-my-way-crying....no, that would be easier to take. But real, heart-wrenching sadness over having to "say goodbye to Hoppy". Mr. Hoppy had, afterall, in Benjamin's own words---"been such a great buddy and so fun to take care of".
I will never forget the way he pulled himself together in the car and announced to me, just as we were pulling up to preschool: "I just don't want my friends to see that I'm sad...but I really am inside. I just love Hoppy so much and hate seeing him leave our home."
I'll also never forget the subsequent trip Benjamin made with me to Pooh's Corner this afternoon...a rare moment for the two of us to be alone together, when he had the chance to pick out a "new friend who needed a home". Not sure what was more touching--the way he took such time in selecting the perfect stuffed dog (because P.S. there are a LOT of freakin choices at Pooh's Corner), or the way he announced to the cashier that he'd found the one animal that "most looked like he wanted to get out of this store"...that line actually made me laugh right out loud, but I knew exactly what he meant, and it was precious.
We had an imaginary ladybug hunt when we got home, as it was determined on the ride home that that would be the meal of choice for the new pet. Yup...that was pretty damn adorable, too.
*the way Jonathan ALWAYS seems to be saying one of the following to me: "sshhure, Mommy!", "thanks, Mommy!", or "yeahhh...let's go, Mommy!"...the kid is just so damn positive. when he's not whining.
*reading about Dinosaurs with Benjamin on the couch and realizing it's 1:30 in the afternoon...and that in a very short amount of time I'll wonder if I was appreciative enough of those moments while they happened.
*the way Jonny HAS to hug me after he comes downstairs from a nap...regardless of how charged up he is to play with his brother--insists on a quick hug and snuggle.
There are so many more...always are. But for now I'm tired and approaching the non-sensical form of writing.
Just want to say...for myself and no one else...that even though I spend loads of time and energy wishing for my husband to be around more...and plotting ways to sabotage his sushi and champagne dinners with clients while I fish poop out of the bathtub...I want it to be said that I'm happy. Content. Grateful...maybe even a bit victorious.
Because I'm just so damn GLAD that I'm right here, not missing any of it. Not for a second.
There's going to be time for a lot of shit in the future...but not a chance for any of this.
Color me grateful...and blessed.
