Is the universe mad at me???

I go to the MAC tonight, after Brian gets done working...to drain my head of all the funk today brought my way.
I decide to get a spinach salad from the fridge at the front desk, as I have over an hour before my class starts.
I go into lockeroom to put stuff in locker and sit at the table in front of the TV.
I sit down to eat my salad...put on raspberry vinegarette (sp?) dressing and spear a lovely piece of chicken, some pecans, spinach leaves and a few dried cherries onto my fork.
Ahhh.

And then I feel something on my back.
I swat it off.
But it's a bee.
And it stings the shit out of my finger.

Game over.

Back away slowly...

...if you cross my path today.

I'm cranky and pissed off...and need to vent. Please forgive me in advance for being a royal biotch. K? Ok. Because here's the list:

1. SUPER naughty 3year old.
2. 1 year old (fresh from last night's forehead gash from a wooden step corner) hellbent on injuring himself...came within inches of jumping in fish pond at Breton Village this morning.
3. Y.I. (female trouble--if you're a chick, you can figure that one out).
4. Dad reparks my car last night (after backing his own car up to pick up trailer) and decides to crack the windows so my car can "breathe"......we had a massive thunderstorm last night.
5. Storytime at Pooh's Corner was minus Ms. Margaret today...and Ms. Wanda (that's actually her name) just didn't cut the mustard. Therefore, bedlam ensued...
6. I have a headache.
7. Jonathan decides to throw food all over kitchen (this isn't new), and while I'm on the floor picking it up...he dumps his milk on my head.
8. Both boys laugh...and when I say "Jonny!" (in a stern, but NON-angry voice) "Mommy doesn't like that", Benjamin starts to yell at me for yelling at Jonny.
9. As I'm changing the world's poopiest diaper (seriously, he could win an award for this one) on Jonathan, Benjamin lets himself out the front door to chase garbage man truck. I look up to yell out "Wait for Mommy!" and Jonathan puts both hands in said award-winning mess.
10. As I'm putting J down for a nap, I come down the stairs to find Benjamin...front door open..standing on the small rug at the bottom of the steps, practicing his golf swing and launching plastic golf balls into the front yard.
11. Did I mention the Y.I.?
12. Jonathan smells like home fragrance spray. This would be due to his climbing on the sofa, standing on the sofa armrest, and leaning over to grab bottle of lovely scent. When I race in to rescue him from the precarious position he's in, praying to God he doesn't lose footing or grip on mantle...he grabs bottle so fast it's cap whacks on the mantle, breaking spray nozzle off and leaking all over his forearm. When I grab him, he grips both hands kung-fu style onto the mantle and actually kicks me away from him.
And hangs...seriously...hangs from mantle.
13. When I put him down for nap he snuggles against me with his blanket and "B" and says "Mommeee...wuv Mommeee..." (this somewhat redeems him, so I had to add it here).
14. But I still have a Y.I. And it's annoying the bajeezus out of me...like everything else today. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant for all of the bitchiness.
But unfortunately I'm not.
I'm just a bitch.


F**k.

"Eat, Pray, Love"

Why, yes indeed.
While reading this book the other day (I just started it--so far I like it enough...not in love yet) I realized that this could quite easily be the title of my summer.

Lots of eating (as has been documented).
Lots of praying (well, at Yoga, anyway...and anytime I'm with Jonny).
and LOTS of love (for my boys, my Brian, our family and friends...and our house).

Life has been pretty slow the past few weeks, and I've loved it. I know full well that my equilibrium is at its best when life is slower...I've always been this way. Life is just busy enough with these boys, that I find being in the moment the only way to keep myself sane...and not completely stupified as to where the time went.

Brian and I had one of our best date nights in a long time this past Saturday night...dinner out, and then a stop at BW3 (we like to keep it classy) for a beer...or two...on the way home. We actually sat outside at BDubbs and were the only ones out there for over an hour. It was great. It's funny in marriage how you find yourself more in sync at certain times than others...we always seem to be on the same page, but nights like the one we had last weekend serve as an even greater reminder of why we're together.
There's no real way to put it into words...even though I sometimes try.
It's just what we seem to have. And I'm grateful.

When we got home Saturday night, Allie gave us the usual run-down of how things went with the boys. And as luck would have it, Benjamin had been in rare form.
It seems, as Allie reported (her account was far more animated and hilarious), that when they were playing "car hospital"...Benjamin set aside two specific cars and proceeded to ignore them while taking the rest of his twelve-thousand cars to the hospital (bookshelf). When Allie asked him if he wanted to take the red car (one of the two he left behind), he told her it didn't need to go...since it didn't have "the flute" (his name for the "flu").
But when she asked him about the second car...which, upon inspection, she noticed was missing its wheels...he responded with the following:

"No...I don't want that one."
"Why not?" asked Allie.

Says Benjamin: "Ehh...it's too crappy."

Seriously, I can't believe I didn't blog that little nugget right away, because I've been laughing about it ever since.
And yet the obvious question remains...where in the world did he learn to talk that way?

Bite your tongue.

Bom-Diggity

Well, I am obsessed.
With this stuff.

Sarah's going to think it's gone to my brain, for all of the talk I've given it this week...but I just poured myself a glass for an afternoon pick-me-up, and am thrilled to not be drinking coffee this time of day.
Two points for Meg.

Anyway, I bought some at Costco a few weeks ago and am seriously in love...drink it alone, in smoothies that I make for the boys (adding plain yogurt and bananas), and even mixed it with iced tea yesterday. Yum!

And that's my weekly product endorsement.

Imagination Station

I have some hilarious bits of Benjamin to share...if for no other reason, than to eradicate the piss and vinegar of late yesterday from my blog.

Anyway, Benjamin's imagination has been on overdrive this week. And I shall share a few examples:

*Yesterday, while I was cleaning the bathroom upstairs, he and Jonny were playing in Brian's and my room...which never ends well, I should add. Jonathan usually ends up behind the tv messing with cords, or Benjamin will try to make a fort under our bed...or worse, lately, Jonathan's been trying to climb the bookcase. Anyway, as I'm cleaning the toilet yesterday (hey, I'm accurate in my stories if nothing else), I notice it's a bit too quiet in there...and go in to find them both sitting, hands in laps, in the back of our closet. When I find them, they both burst out in giggles..and Benjamin says,

"Mommaayy! We're having a TV show!"

"You are?" I say. "What show is it? Can I watch?"

"Um, um..." (stumped by the sudden need to name the show) "...it's the...the...McDonald's TV Show! And we're making ham-boogers!"

"Oooh...I'd love to watch how that's done" I say. "How do you make them?"

(p.s. Jonny is, the whole time, just holding his hands in his lap, butt-happy grin on his face, looking back and forth from Benjamin's face to mine...anxious for whatever is to come next)

"Well," says Benjamin, "we need to work verrrryy carefully. And you can have fries and grapes while you wait!"

Grapes?

*Next story: this morning, as I'm checking my email (bad mommy, bad mommy) I hear the two of them rustling around in the dining room. Just as I turn around to see what's going on, I find Benjamin hauling the giant oriental rug from that room into the kitchen...all rolled up and all. Then I go into the dining room to see the table (it's a small table, with wheels on the legs) up against the window.

"Mommaayy! It's a new big car wash! And if it's your birthday, you can use it. Ok, Mommy?"

"Hmm, it's not my birthday" I say.

"But, but...but...ok, Mommy, you can use it. Everybody can use it!"

"Wow, how inclusive of you, Bud...so, do I crawl through it?"

"Yes, but you need your car, Mommy."

High-larious.


I know in every other household there are a million stories like these...and they just crack me up. Love the little imaginations at work. When my nieces play restaurant and "take my order", I seriously want to pee. Like when Addie, my 3year old niece, is writing down all the things I want to eat on her notepad...and without even looking up at me, or skipping a beat, says,
"...and to drink?"

Lately, whenever Benjamin wants something to eat, he tells me his "tummy wants something to eat". Talk about a reminder that, while our little ones have active imaginations, their minds are also incredibly literal. If I ask him if he's hungry...he'll just say "Yeah, Mommy...I am...but my tummy is telling me."

The boy's in touch.
Love it.

Reasons why...

Brian needs to be done working so I can leave the f***ing house and go to Yoga:

1. Benjamin (I think I've heard him say my name about TEN THOUSAND EFFING TIMES in the past five minutes)

2. Jonathan (he doesn't know how to walk yet...just how to run)

3. It's 5 o'clock*. 'Nuf said.


*on this particular day, we've made it to 5 o'clock without the tv on...once. I'm proud, of course, but know full well that it will be on once I leave (with Pardon the Interruption on ESPN, not Blue's Clues)

Reasons why...

I seem to be 5lbs over my ideal weight:

*summer get-togethers with food

*summer get-togethers with drinks

*white chocolate mochas at 'Bucks--seriously? could I make a more unhealthy choice?
(and why I've chosen to take up drinking these now...this time of year...I've no clue)

*vodka and lemonade
(um, like more often than once a week)

*the ice cream man
(I never buy anything for myself...just kinda felt like it fit here)

*fewer spin classes on the summer schedule at The MAC (weak excuse, weak...)

*Bachelorette Mondays at Allie's (with BW3 wings)--thank God this ritual has ended!

*pina coladas (randomly I'm into the Friday's pre-made that you put in the blender with ice)

*increased highway travel (translation: fast food)

I'm sure there are more reasons...and even more ways I could be doing something about it. But ohh....welll. I'm comin to Jesus with the extra fluff. Of course, I'm vowing to myself to have it off by my August Seattle trip. Why this is a goal, I'm not sure...but I've gotta have one that's not too far off.

And now, for the last list.

Reasons why I'm only 5, and not 10, lbs over my idea weight:

1. Jonathan.

2. Jonathan.

3. Jonathan.

Following the Leader...

Since the day he was born, I've done my best to let Benjamin lead the way...and gratefully, when I forget to do so, he reminds me. The upshot is that, by now, he has developed a pretty strong sense of independence and self-confidence. And today was no exception.

I brought the boys to East Hills (sister athletic club to The MAC) so I could take a specific class, which meant they would be using the playroom there for the first time. Long story short (you're welcome, Shawn Bergsma), they did great. Jonathan was clingy when I was signing him in and getting his things settled, but apparently did great once I left. Benjamin, on the other hand, was the one I was most nervous about.

It was a year ago that we first went to Ms. Margaret's class--where I was with him the whole time--and he was still a bit apprehensive about the new setting. But today? While I was still getting Jonny checked in, Benjamin starts to walk away from me and looks back and waves, saying "Bye, Mommy!".

I was stunned.

And incredibly proud.

Totally new place, new people, new kids...and off he went. See ya, Mom.

This weekend we took the boys to open gym at Gymco, and off he went...galloping down the long tramp and hurling himself onto the mat. Saying hi to random kids and even helping his younger brother put his Crocs in a cubby before we went in to play.

And sidenote? When we had to wait a few minutes for open gym to start, Benjamin says, in a hysterically understanding tone..."Sometimes we have to wait, Jonny..."

PLG.

Insisted on ordering his own cone yesterday at The J.J.

Loves my company when working his puzzles, but rarely lets me assist with the process. The first time we bust open a new one, it's fair game. But once he's seen it through to the finish, he insists on doing it himself from that point forward.

Goes to bed completely on his own.

(unless he's overtired...and then it's all about the dramatics.)

But potty training?

Whoa nelly.

I've learned that, like everything else in his life, there is a learning curve. And he will be the one to decide just where he fits on it...relative to the task at hand.

It's so easy, as a parent, to see your child a certain way...and thus expect them to be that way with all things. And I'm not saying--by ANY stretch--that I thought this would be easy.

I just figured he was "ready"...so it wouldn't be too difficult.

And the crux of it is, there's a good chance he could have been pooping like a pro by now, had I not talked about it so freakin much.

Point is, amidst all of our positive cheerleading, chart-making and reward-promising...the little dude choked at game time.

As of now, he's a peeing "pro". Even asks to pee when we're out in public and has little to no fear at all of random, public bathrooms. Asks to pee at The MAC...and did so this morning at East Hills. Without me. On his own. Made me proud.

But the final frontier has yet to be mastered.

And you know what? I'm totally ok with it. It took a few serious meltdowns last week...and then, ultimately, a two day withholding binge on his part, for me to get smart.

I just woke up one morning and started to feel incredibly guilty for thinking that this was something I should have control over...after all, I've always wanted to empower B to understand how to do things...but to be able to make the decision when to do them all on his own.

Sometimes figuring out how isn't easy, and requires a bit of intervention...like with sleep, learning to try new foods, stay in new places, trust new people...but once he's gotten the hang of it with these kinds of things, he's been golden.

I guess that's why I wanted so badly to just force him into seeing how easy it is to do the big dance on the potty.

And that's where I was wrong.

It was a healthy amount of self-checking on my part...and an unbelievably timely visit from a friend (*wink* to you here, S.D.)...that set me straight.

I have since positioned a toy that his Aunt Dawn bought him for his birthday (which I gratefully saved for a rainy day, Dawn...can't blame me!) above the kitchen sink, where he stares at it day in and day out during his meal and snack time. He knows that when he poops, he gets the toy. Yesterday I actually got the toy down so he could inspect it...and his eyes were like the wheels on a semi.

When I put the toy back, saying "And when you poopy on the potty, you get to open it...and it's all yours!!!"...he got that happy/manic face he's famous for, started jumping and clapping...and actually asked to sit on the potty.

Nothing happened.

But he asked.

And the best part is...he was the one who went galloping off for the bathroom, throwing the door open and hurling the potty donut (that's what I call the kiddy-seat you put on top of the big people seat) onto the toilet.

I just followed him.:)

Emotional Detox

I need this.

For the past several weeks I've been suffering from a serious state of emotional overload. Mostly good--in fact, mostly great--but for any of you who know me, really know me...you may not be surprised by my "shutting down".
I need a break.

Not from fun, or from family, or from friends...but rather just from the emotional highs that come with lots of plans and excitement...and the emotional/mental fallout that inevitably follows.

I mean, for Pete's sake--I can't even seem to keep up with my blog! And every time I go to post some pictures, it seems I'm 3 or 4 "fun times" behind on my posting.
Sheesh.
You'd think there weren't any bigger problems in our world.

And the truth is, really, I'm happy.
Totally happy.
Content, in love with my family and our life here on Santa Cruz.
Grateful for our friends and family, and all the ways they color our life.

I guess when it comes to my blog, I've had some frustrations with myself in the past month. There are a multitude of thoughts, ideas, bits of randomness that whirl about in my head every day...and yet, when I find the time to sit down, I feel like a 3 year old.
Bursting with enthusiasm and so many things to say in one moment...but falling short, somehow, of delivering the entire message. And feeling incredibly frustrated for it.
But maybe that's just my 3 year old.

You know, it's almost as though there's a direct link between who I was as a teacher, and who I am as a mom. Perhaps this is because teaching is one of those careers that truly harnesses your real nature, personality, wit and instinct.
As a teacher, I was (or am...I plan on going back, bitches) the fun, always willing to laugh before delivering the punishment, the one actually having fun and clapping for the kids at assemblies, the one who turned off the lights when we read suspense stories aloud (with flashlights, too!)...and was also the one who felt absolutely zero need for pretense. My 6th graders once asked me if I was "popular" in junior high...and I told them the ugly (pun most definitely intended here) truth...and to really drive the point home, I dug up my 7th grade school picture (Annie hair-do and all) the next time I visited Grand Rapids. I then brought the picture back to work with me, and hung it on the blackbaord so they'd believe me.
I don't think it was that difficult to believe that I was unpopular...I just think they were a bit shocked that I was so honest about it.

So, yes. Open-minded and open-hearted.
But holy shit, I had my "buttons".
And most of them stemmed from my serious state of OCD.

I made my students walk in straight lines everywhere we went in the building...and while I receieved compliments from the art, music, computer and gym teachers...I would put money on some of the other teachers thinking I had a serious stick up my ass.
Which I didn't, per se.
I just felt very strongly about the way my students represented our class to the rest of the school...and that they behave with respect.

Ok, I had a stick up my ass.

But where was I going with this?

Ok, yes. The link to parenting.
I'm totally a fun mom. I'm confident in this.
But sometimes I think I get a little "white-knuckled" over certain issues.
Like...potty training.
I know I need to be patient. And while a few of you might, as you're reading this, be remembering my take no prisoners resolve on this subject from earlier in the day...please know that I still carry the torch of optimism.
I'm just emotionally drained this evening...and feeling a bit weak.

As of tonight, Benjamin has three stickers on his "chart" for peeing...and zero (count 'em--zero) for poop. At the beginning of the day, the mere mention of pooping on the potty sent him into hysterical bouts of panicky crying...but by the end of the day, as we were gearing up for bed, I actually got him to just "sit" and read for a bit on the pot.
Nothing happened, but he smiled at looked real proud when I told him how proud I was of him for even trying.
I guess I have to hope that this means we're making progress...but holy shit (pardon the expression), folks...it was all I could do after lunch today (um, hello? buttery grilled cheese, applesauce and apple juice???) not to tie him down to the potty and do a "go poopy, go!" routine.

I get so hellbent on seeing a challenge through...and often get overly frustrated as a result. Here's my M.O.:
1. Set challenge
2. Consider demeanor/personality of my dude
3. Review options/do research/what-have-you
4. Come up with best-suited plan
5. Watch how my little dude gets smart and turns the tables on me
6. Spend a few minutes, hours, days fretting over whether he's truly ready for said challenge or I'm just being a p***y
7. Decide I'm being the later of the two, and move forward with plan that is unrealistic in expectations for Benjamin, but aptly meets my level of frustration for not accomplishing task.
8. Feel quilty for being a dickhead mom.
9. Also feel kinda glad I'm aware of being a dickhead mom.
10. Evaluate...and repeat nonsense.

11. Continue to overthink things.

One might gather from this rant that I have zero instinct when it comes to parenting.
But that's really not the case.
I think my biggest problem is that I just don't always follow it immediately. But I'm learning. In fact, it's odd that I'm purging myself of this all now, since I feel like this "lunatic" version of myself is really a thing of the past. Over the past year or so I've made several decisions for my boys--some big, some small--that have reflected this growth in certitude and confidence.
And I think that's why I'm flailing NOW.
Because potty training is totally kicking it all to the curb.
I'm a wreck.
Total loon...completely unsure if I'm doing the right thing. Knowing full well that Benjamin's ready, but not wanting to push him. Knowing how sensitive this child is, but not wanting to enable that sensitivity to an unhealthy end.
All the while, picturing him showing up at preschool with a Diego pull-up on.

The ironic thing is, I'm not a competitive parent.
If I'm competitve at all, it's with myself.
If I had my way, I'd let Benjamin decide when he's ready to poop like a big dude...not when his preschool tells us he needs to.
But I'm also a creature of conformity...and so here I sit.

Waiting.

For poop.

O.P.T.

Operation Potty Training in full effect in our house today...wish us luck!

We have big boy pants.
We have wipes at the ready.
We have extra pairs of shorts handy.
We have M and Ms.
And BEST of all...we have a POSITIVE attitude!!!

So far Benjamin's peed (though this isn't a new thing) on the potty...and is pretty excited about himself for it, as I made the world's biggest deal out of it.:)
And Ms. Katie (neighbor) has promised a treat at her house "for big boys who go poop on the potty" when he accomplishes that next major feat!

So adorable.
I know the most difficult, and *messy* part, is yet to come...but for some reason this is all very exciting.

Some day soon I'll update with more exciting stuff, like pics and stories from our last couple of weeks!

Family Bliss Continues...

There really aren't that many places a family can travel, with kids, that provide equal amounts of relaxation, fun and general smooth-sailing. We count very few places on our short list of such locations...and are proud to say that the Hankins house ranks right up there. Holy cow, we had fun, every last one of us.

Chris and Ann really outdid themselves with the prep...first off, that's one big house with one even bigger yard...so we know the prep-time was ample. And we also get how difficult that can be with kids! Friday night's meal was outstanding--filet and red wine? In the words of Adam Sandler..."not too shabbayy".

The pool was oodles of fun with the kids, and I dare say the highlights for me did not include my own children's antics, but rather those of my brother and my hilarious niece, Addie. To save you all the suspense, Christopher has the same unbridled enthusiasm and prowess over the diving board as he did as a child...and Addie...well, she's just Addie. Turns out the little sista's come up with her own "move"...she calls it the "spinning wheel". You had to be there, and you really have to know Addie. I was dying.

Saturday evening, as shown in pictures, was a true riot. Great Mexican food...drink...darts...and overall hilarity. And as always, lots of pictures. The babysitters did a great job, and all of the kids fared well and got to sleep without a hitch. Love that.

It's just too bad that Aunt Meg was the one who never made it to bed properly. Sister had a serious neck cramp from sleeping on the couch. :)

Anyway...clearly the nuances of time with siblings, inlaws, and cousins are not lost on us. We appreciated all of the effort and planning involved...and just enjoyed being able to relax with our kids and watch them get to know their cousins better.

One of the things that stood out to us on this trip was the chance we had to appreciate their neighborhood more. The kids played outside a lot (including an impromptu hike through the woods...so cute!), enjoyed the riding toys on the long, steep driveway, and Brian and I got to see the house without snow. Such a great place! And a truly charming neighborhood...I should know, as I spent about an hour and a half exploring it on my own Saturday morning.

But that's an entry for another day.

In Sync...

As usual, time with Denise and Paul flowed as easily as ever...and yet went by far too fast. We managed to spend some time in our old neighborhood of Ukranian Village/Wicker Park area and could NOT believe how much had changed.

But our old stand-bys remained...much to our relief. Driving up to our old apartment felt a bit strange...I was totally nostalgic and even sad on the one hand...and on the other completely relieved by the relative simplicity we have now.

Denise and Paul took us to the most amazing Mexican restaurant in Roscoe Village, where we had the best margaritas we could remember ever tasting. And that's saying something for us! The food was also great, but who could tell after that much tequila?

Sunday we spent time meadering about the city, visiting the lakeshore, eating sushi in between meals, playing pool and drinking beer in a seedy old Rush/Division bar, singing about "peaches" in the car at the top of our lungs and laughing hysterically (Denise, that was for you), and eating Chicago pizza.

Oh, and drinking wine with my SIL on her back porch and chatting long after the guys went to sleep. That was a favorite memory.

Talking about kids, what theirs will be like, and life in general over breakfast in Roscoe Village...complete with bloody marys and mimosas.

We drink a bit when we're together...case you hadn't picked up on that.

We never seem to run out of energy and enthusiasm for the next fun thing when we're with them...and we're grateful. If you're reading, D...love you to pieces. You and Paul bring out the best in us. Mmmmmwa!

In Pictures

Our summer has already given us enough fun and memories to last us a long time...and yet there's more to come in the next few months.
In true Brian and Meg fashion, we're a bit stupified by the lack of free and lazy weekend time...but what we're gaining in memories with friends and family makes up for it and then some.
In these pictures: Benjamin being Benjamin, our old apartment in Chicago, one of our favorite old hangouts, and the two of us basically being the two of us.

Highlights thus far:
*neighborhood BBQs (Annabel's birthday was a fave) and hanging out on neighbors' porches with wine after kids go to bed
*our garage sale!
*walks in the new double jogger
*a short, but fun visit from Muma and Grandpa
*a very memorable weekend in Chicago--with Denise and Paul, our old neighborhood...and some time with my best sista Gaby. Oh, and a few of Brian's drunk co-workers thrown in.
*a bonanza weekend in Roscoe with the Hankins Clan!

Pictures to come on many of these...in the meantime, some less eventful things going on in our house include Benjamin potty-training (we're making progress finally), Jonathan talking up a storm and running faster and further away each day, gearing up to tackle the backyard (finally!), pool fun, losing $$$ to the ice cream man, and other such nonsense.
I've also been reading a lot more these days and am loving it...hoping to keep up the pace.

For now, I shall gather more pictures.

Hello, Blog...

I've missed you.

Just too much going on these days to have time for you...I apologize.
But I promise to return later today with some fluff (pictures) that shall well document all of our misadventures and summertime fun.

Benjamin's watching the Potty Movie right now. Gotta put Jonathan down for his nap.

Important items on the agenda in our house today.